Positive Cancer

Sometimes when we deal with Cancer, we being the person that has Cancer, we tend to forget that other people are deeply affected by our condition and by the way our lives change theirs. Caregivers, whether they are husbands or wives, kids or grandparents, friends or relatives, have an incredible burden placed upon them; one which I feel doesn’t get enough attention. If whoever is taking care of you is feeling negative, or stressed, it’s bound to come down on you and make it harder for you to live a positive life style.

Loved ones need to understand that their role is important both for your sake, and for their own wellbeing. It hard to watch the one you love deteriorate or become unable to do the things they used to do, and it’s equally hard to give up so much of yourself having to provide both mentally and physically for them. Love is powerful, but we are only human, and we feel anxiety and stress, not to mention pressure. I feel that part of the burden of Cancer is making sure that your loved one’s, your caregivers don’t feel isolated and lonely but instead feel welcome and supported.

You need to take the time to explain how much the support of your Caregiver has helped you, and by all means thank them over and over again. Let them know that they have done for you what no one else could, and that you understand how hard it is on them. If your situation is bad enough that your Caregiver is constantly working with you, whether it’s to feed you, or to take care of the kids, or to get you medications, or simply to be with you day in and day out, you need to let him or her have time for themselves. Even saying something as simple as “Listen, I love that you’re always here for me, but I want you to go out to a movie, or have a coffee with somebody. Just go and do something else for a while.” Invariably most Caregivers will respond by saying that they would rather just continue to be with you, but you need to convince them that they need to take care of their mental wellbeing, and will in fact come back more refreshed and more capable of dealing with everything that comes with Cancer.

There is sadness and loneliness, and Cancer can make that isolation feel so acute it seems like there will never be a relationship that solidifies for you, but in truth it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Open yourself to those around you, take care of each other and together plan the positive goals that will defeat Cancer.

Cancer brings many different physical and psychological challenges including a feeling of isolation from both others and your previous life. Whether your actions or the actions of your friends has caused this situation it should be said that you are not alone, and that there are others who have gone or will go through the same feeling of being alone. By virtue of our Cancer, we are not alone. You are not alone.

Sometimes your isolation comes due to a friend’s inability to understand your situation and I tend to go against common thinking that it may be your friend’s who are having a hard time dealing with your Cancer. I have said it many times, never forget that you are dealing with Cancer, and you’re friends, you’re true friends will be there for you. The others, the one’s that “couldn’t cope” are just a negative influence on you and you shouldn’t spend anytime thinking about them. This situation of losing friends whether real or perceived still leaves a void in your life, one which can cause you to feel even more isolated from others.

There are times when you ill, genuinely sick and unable to interact with others and this too can cause loneliness and isolation. It is hard not to think about your friends, or loved one’s having fun while you are vomiting into the toilet for the eighth time in an hour, and it’s equally hard not to feel like nobody understands what you are going through. Again by virtue of Cancer, there are thousands of people who understand what is happening, and each one of them has had the same feelings at some point in their life.

If you feel alone, isolated from friends and family, you have to understand that the next best people to talk with are people who have gone through what you are dealing with. Positive Cancer allows me to talk to so many others who are dealing with Cancer, and through that it allows me to feel connected and in touch with people who stand united in the basic goal of fighting Cancer. It’s a powerful connection, one which should be used to banish your loneliness and instead light the fires of companionship, and camaraderie. Cancer takes so much from our lives; in our struggle it gives us each other.

In Part two I will talk about how loneliness affects those we love, and how isolated they feel having to take on the caregiver roll.

Telling family about having Cancer is hard but for most people family bonds are strong enough to survive. Friends, on the other hand, are a diverse group of people whose responses can leave you stunned, amazed, or somewhere in-between the two.

Telling close friends is similar to telling family except that your relationship to your friends run under a different parameters, and sometimes just by mentioning Cancer you can change the friendship. I want you to be ready for this. Most people have heard that friends are near during the good times, but only a few “good” friends stick around for the bad. This is unfortunately true, and I have experienced it both the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer, and the second time it returned.

You have to mentally prepare yourself for many different things, things which can make negative feelings and thoughts commonplace within your brain and body. You need to realize that those friends who can’t “handle” the situation should not be a part of your life, as you need to focus on your battle with Cancer, and focus your attention and love on those who would help, care, and love you back. Once you understand how things could go its time to tell them.

Again a quiet time is good, perhaps out for a coffee or just relaxing at your house. I prefer to have a friend who already knows be with me when I tell another friend; I feel that if I bring family it might make them feel uncomfortable. Once you tell them, listen to their reaction, but don’t take it to heart, whether its stunned sadness or unreadable silence. Give them some time, and see whether they still come by the house, whether the conversations, though different, still flow between the two of you. I can tell you that everyone I ever told about my Cancer was stunned, saddened and all promised to help anyway they could. I can also tell you that over half of those friends haven’t called back since, amazing as that is.

I suppose telling your friends is the easy part, dealing with the loss of your friends is harder, but that’s for a different post. Positive Cancer is how I live, and I don’t have the urge to exert the effort to bring back old friends who “talked the talk” but did not “walk the walk.” I hope that you realize this, and stay positive; keep your mind on family and friends that matter, and let their positive energy help you any way it can.

It can be very difficult to talk to others about your Cancer, from the first time you mention it until the chemotherapy and the recovery afterwards. Cancer leaves you feeling vulnerable, dizzy, and shamed. I hope that by reading the two parts of this post you can tell others about your Cancer easier, and also that you can live with it better yourself.

Telling your family that you have Cancer is hard on everyone, and that is something you must understand. I don’t shy away from the negative thoughts, I deal with them. When you tell your loved ones you should realize that it is going to shock them, hurt them, and change their lives. At the same time remember that you are a victim as well, that it’s not your fault, and so you will work as a team to overcome the Cancer.

You need to find a time to talk to family privately, and in a space where no one feels threatened. You also need their undivided attention, meaning turn off the televisions, the computers, and the stereos. Give Cancer the somber meaning it deserves, at least initially. I use humor often, but when I first talked to my parents about my Cancer, I wanted them to know how much of a fight I was in for, and how much I would need them, and I wanted them to understand the seriousness of the situation, not to laugh and feel better; that would come later. If your phone rings often, turn it off and make sure that all distractions are gone. I found it helpful to have someone with me that already knew my prognosis as it helped provide me with another voice to tell everyone.

You can start by saying something as simple as, “Listen, I really need to talk to you about something serious.” That should let them know what is going on. Give them the information a few words at a time, don’t overwhelm them, and instead allow them to absorb what you’re saying. Look for questions by asking, “Are you understanding this?” or “Does that make sense to you?”

An important thing to remember when dealing with family is that you should be honest with them, tell them everything and that will help you cope by bringing your fears to the surface. Don’t fake happiness for their sakes, and listen to what you are feeling. Your family deserves the truth, and you deserve it as well. Start thinking positive thoughts right from the moment you tell them, but Positive Cancer isn’t about faking things, its about changing the way you think to help you live, and live well.

Part two will delve into how to tell friends about your Cancer, something that tends to be hit or miss. Until then, think positive and stay well.

Almost everyone who has Cancer has heard about how horrible Chemo is, or how painful Cancer and its complications are, but an important question needs to be asked. Can Positive Cancer, thinking positive about Cancer, help?

My theory on pain is that you can reduce the pain with medication, you can recover faster thus limiting pain with exercise, and you can reduce your susceptibility to pain with positive thinking. I’m not saying that your mind set can block out your pain, but having a positive mindset can reduce things that can cause you to perceive a higher level of pain than your body is actually going through.

There are negative emotions, ones such as sadness, anxiety, and anger that tend to be against the common thinking of positive mindset. While these emotions will always be a part of you, consider if you will what the ramifications are for negative feelings in concert with pain. Sadness and anxiety can certainly leave you feeling more sensitive to pain, almost as a self-pity response, and anger can make your pain harder to bear. While I’m not telling you to laugh off the pain, you should make your defense’s as strong as possible to deal with the pain to the best of your ability.

I have found it is much easier to deal with pain when I know that it is coming. I think this is because my body realizes the situation and so gets me “ready” for the pain by focusing the nerves that are going to be affected. I believe that in some small way this does reduce the pain, as it is only a sensation felt by the mind.

Try keeping an understanding of pain, that while it is horrible you have no real choice but to deal with it, and hopefully your mind will begin to understand that pain isn’t the entire focus of your body and shift some of that focus to your goal, which is to continue to live and live positively. I know for myself that my level of pain tolerance is higher than most, but I tend to see things differently than other people. I tend to associate pain with healing, in the sense that it’s telling me I need to do something to make myself feel better, whether that is a massage or a nap or even just a moment of down time for myself and only myself.

So does positive thinking help with pain? Perhaps not directly but it does prevent you’re mind from making the pain worse, or from interpreting it as worse than it actually is. I think that’s good enough reason to maintain a positive mindset free of stress and full of hope.

This is part two of my post on Stress Reduction. I wanted to reiterate that I do not have any kind of “training” in any mental discipline, nor am I a psychiatrist. I am someone who has dealt and is dealing with life-threatening Cancer, and so I tend to talk from my own experience. If you ever need help, I always suggest talking to your doctor. If you have already discussed your situation and you need some secondary help, or a different point of view, that’s what Positive Cancer is all about.

In the previous post we identified what was specifically causing our stress, and brought it to the front of our conscious thought, thus allowing our brains to focus on it. Now we need to go one step forward and take the identified fear and destroy it. Once again I will use my own stress as an example. Right before I get CT scan results, I worry that my family will have to deal with the burden of my Cancer if it progresses. So I go one step further and identify the problem as guilt. I have guilt over the way my family feels, which is very normal as I care deeply for them and do not want them to be sad, or hurt. I take this guilt and I mull it over, looking for any way to overcome it. I say things to myself such as “I didn’t do this to them,” or “They’ll be okay,” but my stress isn’t reduced, at least not significantly.

This is when I realize that I’m looking at the problem, not looking for the solution, and that solution is, “I need to talk to my family, to see how they feel about what is to happen.” Misery loves company but stress loves to lie underneath the radar. I always turn to my wife, or whoever has accompanied me to the doctor’s office and say, “Are you going to be okay with whatever happens?” Usually this gets me a tear or two, but invariably it hardens my heart and my will to survive. I start to think about how much of a warrior I am, of how hard I’m willing to fight, and suddenly I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. I have a purpose, and purpose is one of those things that is so powerful it gives me back my will to fight, and that will destroys any real hold stress may have on me.

By the time I’m in front of the doctor, about to hear the results, I’ve already decided that if the news is bad I don’t need to worry; I need to act. I need to reduce the stress of worrying by taking care of everything as I always have, and will. This blunts the stress, makes it productive for me, and when the news does turn out to be bad, allows me to continue Positive Thinking even under the worst of circumstances.

You need to take Positive Cancer, positive thinking about Cancer, and apply it to everything that would make your life negative. This includes stress, anxiety and depression. Every person on the planet is allowed down time, time to feel “stressed out”, but mental toughness is built through dealing with the stress, not allowing the stress to deal with you.

Exercise, if your doctor advises, and search yourself for what is really bothering you and what is really causing stress in your life. Bring it to the light, the focus of your mind and that will reduce it without a doubt. Then solve the stress, decide on a course of action and purpose will overcome the stress, and turn it into positive motivation. I dislike Cancer, it is a horrible stress in my life, so I talk about it non-stop on this website, and it helps take that stress and give me purpose. Less stress, refined stress, and redirected stress all help me live a longer life, and in the end that’s all that we really want.

Whether you are dealing with Cancer, as I am, or just dealing with live, Stress is a major negative in our lives. Unfortunately Stress is also a major force in our lives, guiding our decisions and our moods whether we like it or not. Positive thinking does not mean stress free, or anxiety free, it means that we understand and view stress in a positive way.

I personally work well with some stress, and I tend to have more enjoyment when I do things that are “stressful” such as playing cards against good players, or having to work out really hard. You’ll notice that my idea of good stress is that which allows you to enjoy your life without intruding upon it. I have bad stress as well, such as when I’m late to meet somebody, or I’m worried about how my kids are going to act, or about finances. This type of stress is very common in all people, regardless of work or ambition.

How do I deal with stress? I take a few different approaches, and as I always say, consult with your doctor before taking any of my methods to heart, especially those that are related to physical exercise. Just like anything in life, if you want to succeed at beating, or managing stress, you need to work at it, and I think you need a sub-conscious game plan.

Working out, exercising, or just shooting a few hoops with my friends always helps me reduce stress. I find that my mind focuses on what my body is doing and then “freshens” up from the break I give it. I always seem to think better after, and quite a few times I realize that I was worried for no reason at all. Also exercise makes me feel better about myself, and calms me, and it provides me with a “mental barrier” of protection from daily stress.

Dealing with stress mentally takes work, especially when I know that CT Scan results are forthcoming. The exercise helps, but invariably I find my mind coming back to this Stress, this worry, and honestly its very normal. If the thought that the Doctor might tell you that your days are numbered, and then tell you that number doesn’t stress you out, wow that’s impressive. Me, I have too much to lose not to get stressed out, and too much of an urge to live. So how then do I deal with stress?

First I start by identifying what my fears are, and why I have stress. For instance, when I’m waiting for the results I can identify my Stress factor pretty easy: I don’t want to die. I then delve deeper, looking into why I don’t want to die. Family and friends pop into my mind, as do financial obligations and guilt. Even though it doesn’t change the stress, just by identifying my fears it helps my brain focus on it the same way it would any problem, and thus the problem lessens. Try it, it works.

After I have identified the problem which brings the cause of my Stress to light, I start to work on them more specifically, and my brain seems to agree with this method. I’ll talk more about it on the part two of Stress Reduction is necessary. Positive Cancer is about dealing with problems, dealing with stress and not running away or giving in.

I thought that I should take the time to post a poem that I found inspirational, but a few words first. This poem is not about sadness, or loss, or grief, at least not to me. I’m not sure what the author had in mind but I believe this poem is simply saying that we have been given lives and we need to remember that at any moment our lives can change, and in the end we owe ourselves, our family and our friends to continue to fight for the sheer purpose of life itself. Positive Cancer, that’s what this means to me and fighting for your life, and not taking it for granted but rather, taking it for the privilege it most surely is.

In Retrospect to an Escape from Death by Hugh Mooney:

“Had I died, what would the world have gained,
Or lost?
For better men than I have gone in their going
Immeasurably progressed the future
But had I been chosen, would that passing
Have left its filial endowment to posterity?
For here, in escrow as it were, I realize
The Earth needs me not to move,
Yet I depend upon my fellow man-
So, in retrospect, I am myself in debt
To society for sustenation-
And owe the world a living.”

As I had started in the last post, I though that I should take time to help people to see what stage of mental progression they were in, and by doing so help myself to evaluate my own stage. Without much fanfare, it’s time to continue to Stage three.

Stage three’s a strange one, at least for me it was. I consider Stage three to be that of “Do everything, take everything,” and basically that’s what I did. Every piece of information I received, every advice I was given, I did with the hope that it would make the cancer “miraculously” go away. Some people mistake this stage with true positive thinking, but really it’s just a way for the mind to focus on a goal whose purpose is to save our lives.

Now that might sound like positive thinking, but in reality it’s close to the opposite. You try so hard to be “positive” that you end up putting immense stress on yourself thus causing your mind to begin to think negatively. I tried advice after advice, giving nothing more than a few days to work, and when I still felt sick, or the doctor’s told me my Cancer was progressing, I wanted to kill whoever had given me that advice. That’s not positive, that’s stress, and surely everyone will agree, that is negative in every way.

There is a difference between trying alternative therapies, listening to others with information and trying to continue to live your life, but in Stage three you forget about allowing yourself to enjoy your time, and in doing so reduce the stress while giving yourself a fighting chance with a positive mindset. I truly believe that without the mind, the body will surely falter.

Getting out of Stage three is not easy; it takes a change of goal, from trying to not die, to remembering how to live. I’m not talking about forgetting about the Cancer, or spending all your money on the trip of your lifetime, I’m talking about truly coping with the Cancer, understanding that it will always be a part of your life, and working towards minimizing what part it plays in your life. Remember this: goals for happiness, not goals for preventing sadness; goals for health, not goals for how to deal with sickness; and goals for beating Cancer, not goals for beating death. There is a distinct difference.

Stage four, that’s where I believe I currently am. It’s a good place, a place where you can enjoy life and still feel sorry for yourself. Appropriately I call this stage the “Good Life” stage.

At this stage I realize that everything is as it should be, in the sense that I try to do what I can to maintain this place I’ve come to. I know this statement doesn’t make complete sense, but it’s not easy to explain. I feel unhappy about the Cancer, that doesn’t change, but I feel very happy about my life, the way I deal with Cancer, and the way I deal with others concerning my Cancer. I can talk about my life with ease, because that’s what I am: at ease with everything. I have not given up, I have not given in, I have only come to the conclusion that I will continue to live and to enjoy what how I live while working towards living as long as I can. It is very hard for me to put down in words exactly what I’m trying to say, but I have a favorite quote from W.E. Henley that helps to sum it up:

“In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud.”

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could deal with Cancer while maintaining a fair level of Positive thinking, and though I have been dealt a crazy blow of fate, I will not let it win, either in taking away my life, or in taking away my enjoyment of life.

I bet your wondering what Stage five is, and I am as well. I haven’t arrived at Stage 5 but I can tell you that with my personal belief in positive thinking and the effects your mind can have on your body, I think Stage five is “Cancer-free.” Not much you can really say about that, I think the title speaks for itself. Will I ever get to stage 5? I don’t know and in truth it doesn’t keep me up at nights. It is however a goal, and so it serves my purpose, and hopefully yours as well.

Depression, anxiety, fear, doubt, lack of motivation, these are all things that come when someone tells you that you have Cancer. Without a game plan these things can overwhelm your brain and become the center point of your life. Positive thinking is not just something that happens; it’s something you work towards. This post will address the types of Mental Problems you might face and how to gauge your success in progressing past them.

I’m not a physiatrist, I don’t have years of schooling and expertise behind what I’m talking about, I just have experience on a personal level that not too many other people have had. On top of that I live each day of my life with positive thinking, and my body and mind both seem to be fighting much better than expected. That being said, always listen to your doctors, or any other medical advisors when it comes to your health and well being.

Here’s the way I break down your mental state when someone tells you “You have Cancer.” You go through a series of five different states, the first one being, obviously, shock. You hear the words, you might break down, you might not feel fear or you might feel complete terror, but truly you are in shock. Nothing is settling into your mind, body or soul, you’re just reacting to the bad news. Shock is a powerful first stage, but one which almost everyone overcomes. You can tell whether you have progressed out of the “shock” stage easily, it’s when your either severely depressed, or have that “fighter attitude.”

Stage two is based on “Flight or Fight,” except in this case it’s either “Sad or Angry.” Stage two is when some people just can’t get up for days, or they are so angry that nothing changes in their life, and they continue with the normal routine mad that anyone would try to change it.

Sad, depression, being upset in stage two usually revolves around the person who has the Cancer, and this can manifest itself with denial, bouts of crying, failure to talk to others about Cancer or even just not getting out of bed. You feel like someone has punched you in the gut, and the most common thought in my mind, and I would think everyone’s mind is, “Why me? What did I do to deserve this?” This state of sadness isn’t the worst, but it’s the closest to self pity you will feel. This sadness isn’t for those who are with you, but for yourself, for your loss.

So how do you know when Stage two “sadness” has been beaten, when you have progressed into the third stage? I find it easy to define, it is when you think about the damage your doing by having so much “self-pity” that you’ve ignored the feelings of family and friends, and start to do something about it. Whether it’s you arranging a coffee so you can talk to friends about what’s happened, or you just go to your husband and say, “I’m sorry for this. I didn’t mean for this to happen to you.” Caring for another or others shows that you have moved out of Stage 2 Sadness.

Stage two “Anger” manifests itself different and comes from both older and younger people diagnosed with Cancer. Most of the people who are “angry” tend to think that by ignoring the Cancer they can overcome it, and this is of course, classic denial. By not worrying about the Cancer, even if they disguise the lack of concern as “not wanting to alarm, or burden others,” really they just don’t want to deal with the problems.

Seeing if you have progressed past the anger is really easy. Can you talk about the problem in a way in which you’re not the center of attention, can you acknowledge that things are going to change drastically and that normal will not be what it was before you found out about Cancer? If you answered yes, then you have moved on. If not, then denial is probably still your way of dealing with it, and you need to get past it.

Part two of this post will continue to deal with the problems associated with Cancer, and how to tell if you’re making progress.