Positive Cancer

When Cancer hits one of the most important things you can do is deal with relationships in your life. I don’t mean go and find everyone you ever knew and make them your best friends or closest family member, I mean deal with the people that deal with you. Find the ones that care for you, and those that don’t can go to the wayside. I’ve said this in previous posts, but I have no time for people who don’t want to deal with my Cancer. I deal with my Cancer, my family deals with my Cancer, and my friends deal with my Cancer. It’s that simple, you’re in or your out. This post isn’t a rant on how friends can vanish when you’re sick though it nearly headed there, it’s about why talking to others will help you.

It’s not easy opening up to people, but by sharing emotions through words you can make yourself feel better, more in control, and more able to deal with adversity. It’s important to share emotions because it’s a doorway to your own feelings and can help you understand, and control them, rather than be overwhelmed by them. Also, by talking to others you can allay your own fears and relegate Cancer to the background by making yourself feel less alone, and more normal. Normal is great for someone in our situations, in fact it’s very Positive.

Talking to others will help you strengthen the bonds of family or friendship between you and by doing so will make you feel better about what will happen down the road. In my case I’m not concerned for my own life, but rather what those who are left behind will do with my absense. By talking to my family I feel better and more secure knowing that my kids will grow up provided for and loved. This in turn releases stress, makes me healthier, and gives me the all important Positive mind set. Strengthen the bonds, and that strength will in turn help you.

It’s very important for you to take time to talk to children, as it will in turn allow them to understand how to express themselves later in life, or during any difficult times that may arise. Children feel stress and sadness when someone they know has Cancer, so give them another weopon to deal with it, and do this by example. Talk to children, not necessarily about Cancer but instead about how to express themselves. This will make them feel better, and you will feel better also.

Talk to others to enjoy your life, talk to others to prolong your life, and talk to others just to hear your voice.

Cancer brings many different physical and psychological challenges including a feeling of isolation from both others and your previous life. Whether your actions or the actions of your friends has caused this situation it should be said that you are not alone, and that there are others who have gone or will go through the same feeling of being alone. By virtue of our Cancer, we are not alone. You are not alone.

Sometimes your isolation comes due to a friend’s inability to understand your situation and I tend to go against common thinking that it may be your friend’s who are having a hard time dealing with your Cancer. I have said it many times, never forget that you are dealing with Cancer, and you’re friends, you’re true friends will be there for you. The others, the one’s that “couldn’t cope” are just a negative influence on you and you shouldn’t spend anytime thinking about them. This situation of losing friends whether real or perceived still leaves a void in your life, one which can cause you to feel even more isolated from others.

There are times when you ill, genuinely sick and unable to interact with others and this too can cause loneliness and isolation. It is hard not to think about your friends, or loved one’s having fun while you are vomiting into the toilet for the eighth time in an hour, and it’s equally hard not to feel like nobody understands what you are going through. Again by virtue of Cancer, there are thousands of people who understand what is happening, and each one of them has had the same feelings at some point in their life.

If you feel alone, isolated from friends and family, you have to understand that the next best people to talk with are people who have gone through what you are dealing with. Positive Cancer allows me to talk to so many others who are dealing with Cancer, and through that it allows me to feel connected and in touch with people who stand united in the basic goal of fighting Cancer. It’s a powerful connection, one which should be used to banish your loneliness and instead light the fires of companionship, and camaraderie. Cancer takes so much from our lives; in our struggle it gives us each other.

In Part two I will talk about how loneliness affects those we love, and how isolated they feel having to take on the caregiver roll.

Telling family about having Cancer is hard but for most people family bonds are strong enough to survive. Friends, on the other hand, are a diverse group of people whose responses can leave you stunned, amazed, or somewhere in-between the two.

Telling close friends is similar to telling family except that your relationship to your friends run under a different parameters, and sometimes just by mentioning Cancer you can change the friendship. I want you to be ready for this. Most people have heard that friends are near during the good times, but only a few “good” friends stick around for the bad. This is unfortunately true, and I have experienced it both the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer, and the second time it returned.

You have to mentally prepare yourself for many different things, things which can make negative feelings and thoughts commonplace within your brain and body. You need to realize that those friends who can’t “handle” the situation should not be a part of your life, as you need to focus on your battle with Cancer, and focus your attention and love on those who would help, care, and love you back. Once you understand how things could go its time to tell them.

Again a quiet time is good, perhaps out for a coffee or just relaxing at your house. I prefer to have a friend who already knows be with me when I tell another friend; I feel that if I bring family it might make them feel uncomfortable. Once you tell them, listen to their reaction, but don’t take it to heart, whether its stunned sadness or unreadable silence. Give them some time, and see whether they still come by the house, whether the conversations, though different, still flow between the two of you. I can tell you that everyone I ever told about my Cancer was stunned, saddened and all promised to help anyway they could. I can also tell you that over half of those friends haven’t called back since, amazing as that is.

I suppose telling your friends is the easy part, dealing with the loss of your friends is harder, but that’s for a different post. Positive Cancer is how I live, and I don’t have the urge to exert the effort to bring back old friends who “talked the talk” but did not “walk the walk.” I hope that you realize this, and stay positive; keep your mind on family and friends that matter, and let their positive energy help you any way it can.

It can be very difficult to talk to others about your Cancer, from the first time you mention it until the chemotherapy and the recovery afterwards. Cancer leaves you feeling vulnerable, dizzy, and shamed. I hope that by reading the two parts of this post you can tell others about your Cancer easier, and also that you can live with it better yourself.

Telling your family that you have Cancer is hard on everyone, and that is something you must understand. I don’t shy away from the negative thoughts, I deal with them. When you tell your loved ones you should realize that it is going to shock them, hurt them, and change their lives. At the same time remember that you are a victim as well, that it’s not your fault, and so you will work as a team to overcome the Cancer.

You need to find a time to talk to family privately, and in a space where no one feels threatened. You also need their undivided attention, meaning turn off the televisions, the computers, and the stereos. Give Cancer the somber meaning it deserves, at least initially. I use humor often, but when I first talked to my parents about my Cancer, I wanted them to know how much of a fight I was in for, and how much I would need them, and I wanted them to understand the seriousness of the situation, not to laugh and feel better; that would come later. If your phone rings often, turn it off and make sure that all distractions are gone. I found it helpful to have someone with me that already knew my prognosis as it helped provide me with another voice to tell everyone.

You can start by saying something as simple as, “Listen, I really need to talk to you about something serious.” That should let them know what is going on. Give them the information a few words at a time, don’t overwhelm them, and instead allow them to absorb what you’re saying. Look for questions by asking, “Are you understanding this?” or “Does that make sense to you?”

An important thing to remember when dealing with family is that you should be honest with them, tell them everything and that will help you cope by bringing your fears to the surface. Don’t fake happiness for their sakes, and listen to what you are feeling. Your family deserves the truth, and you deserve it as well. Start thinking positive thoughts right from the moment you tell them, but Positive Cancer isn’t about faking things, its about changing the way you think to help you live, and live well.

Part two will delve into how to tell friends about your Cancer, something that tends to be hit or miss. Until then, think positive and stay well.

In part one I talked about how important family is to staying positive and to keeping your life stress free. Friends are another powerful piece of the healing puzzle, but unlike family who generally tend to support you through thick or thin, friends can hinder your support with their lack of understanding, or their inability to care.

I wrote another post a while back, where I talked about the friends that I had lost, mostly due to their “inability” to cope with my condition. There is one thing that I am completely immovable on and that is that I am not responsible for people who are unable to “cope” with Cancer. It’s bad enough that me and my family have to deal with Cancer on a daily basis, I don’t have the need or the want to deal with people who are only their through the good times. Friends deal with Cancer just fine, and those who don’t aren’t friends, their people in my past. Friends have a considerable power of your positive state, and I only give that power to friends that I can trust with it.

I can give you an example of what I mean, of how a friend can take your positive energy and make it negative. I had a friend who would come over often, and who once said that I was the closest person to him. When my cancer returned I told him the news and his reply was “Man that’s bad…..but at least I have good news!! I’m thinking about buying a house near you!” I am not making this up; this is what he said when confronted by the return of my life-threatening Cancer. I can still hear him saying, “But at least I have good news.” It took me days of constant thinking to try to figure out what I wanted to do about our relationship.

I figured out that it’s much easier to be negative than it is to be positive, in thinking and in attitude. It took me a while but I realized that the only reason I was friends with this person was because I was addicted to his negative personality. He’d said and done things before that bothered me, but invariably I ended up going back to being his friend. I was addicted to the way he made me feel, and it gave me an excuse not to heal, not to get better. I needed a crutch, and his inability to deal with it allowed me to remain in a negative state of mind. Positive thinking takes work, and I learned that when I made the decision to never call him again, and when I ended the relationship it took some time, but now I feel that I absolutely made the right decision.

I have a core group of friends, and when I feel like hanging out, I call them. When I want to watch the fights on television, I call them, and when I go for a coffee I call them. I especially call them if I need help, whether it is with going to the hospital, or taking care of my kids, or shoveling my drive-way. The attitude I get from them is the same, regardless of situation. That’s true friendship, and everyone can benefit from that. Anything other than that is not a situation anyone with Cancer can afford to stay in, one where you’re constantly mad, or trying to explain yourself, or having to make excuses for them. Save yourself the trouble, and move on. I did, and it was one of the most positive thinks I could have done.

Have you ever looked at your family and thought, “Wow these guys are survivors, the same as me?” If you have not, you should. How your family and friends react to your Cancer invariably affects you and your mental health. The first part of this post deals with how family stress and interaction can either help or hinder your Cancer recovery.

There have been countless studies that have suggested that “Positive” thinking in beneficial to the body, in the same way that laughter can be used to combat depression, anxiety, stress and a myriad of other negative afflictions. It isn’t much of a leap to assume that your “Positive” state of mind interacts with other people and that affects them as well. Have you ever seen someone with Cancer who is happy, and I mean genuinely happy? Chances are that everyone around them is happy also, and I understand that everyone has their down days, but generally happy, positive people tend to group together. So not only does your positive attitude infect other people, their positive nature can infect you as well.

If anybody is in a position to help you, both physically and mentally, it is family. This site would not exist if it wasn’t for my great family support, and quite frankly I couldn’t imagine how I would have come so far were not in some part due to their help. Positive thinking has to start with the home and that does not mean that everyone else has to be a “positive clone” of you. It means that each individual you connect with, and family is your closest connection, should have some idea of how to cope with the situation in a way that makes positive thinking possible.

You’ve heard people say things like, “I’ve got to get rid of the negativity,” or “This relationship is so hard, so negative and I don’t know why I’m in it.” I think of it differently, and perhaps that’s why it has worked so well for me. I think that negativity comes from two sides, not just one person. If my wife and I have a fight, it would be easy to think “Gosh, you’re so negative,” or “I can’t do this with you, the stress is killing me.” It is much harder for me to think, “Wow what can I do to make this situation positive for both of us.” I am responsible for her well-being, in the same way that she is responsible for mine. I allow her the respect of knowing how to give and receive good will, and positive thought, and she deserves the same from me. Remember Cancer is horrible, and nobody without Cancer understands certain aspects, but your loved ones, in this case my wife and kids, deserve to have you take care of them as much if not more than they take care of you. This is Positive Cancer, and this is thinking positively.

My parents have a hard time accepting my state, their always trying one form of help or another, but I understand that’s what they have to do to remain positive. Likewise you should focus on how people are trying to adapt to your Cancer situation, and try to make it easier for them to also feel positive. I believe the more positive people are around you, the more healthily you will live. I have Cancer and I need all the positive thought, reinforcement, and mental stability I can get. Family is who I turn to, and who can provide that for me.

Maintain your positive outlook by staying out of the mire of feeling sorry for yourself, and take care of your family’s mental state. It will help you immediately, for only by enjoying life with others can we live life fully. Part 2 will focus on the often touchy and always antagonizing subject of friends, and their role of support.