Positive Cancer

Generally when I go to the gym I run into the same bunch of people. Some know I have metastatic cancer, while others are oblivious mostly because I look fairly healthy. You would think the one’s that are aware of my sickness would be tactful and understanding, but often the opposite is true. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

One friend often says “Sure you’re sick. Let me see your Cancer club membership,” to which I reply “I bet you’ve never been outbenched by a guy whose eligible for a handicap sticker.” This usually ilicits a laugh and a crass reply which I won’t repeat. It’s great to be able to joke about Cancer, and its very positive for me. Friends joke about many things, and in my case, my illness is one of them. Friends being normal around me seems strange;it seems strange that they wouldn’t joke around like they used to about every personal aspect of my life.

I just wanted everyone to know that having friends joke about your Cancer is okay, about your situation is okay. Usually those friends are the one’s that will be there for you when you need something, the one’s who understand your situation well enough to joke about it when your feeling okay, and deal with it when your not. Sure someone might think their strange, making light of your situation, but like the title says, Strange is Normal, at least to me.

Stay Positive, keep your mindset positive and surround yourself with positive people. Positive Cancer is all about being normal with yourself and others, even if normal is different. Besides who wouldn’t want to outbench a healthy person and then gloat about his constant battle with Cancer?

I tend to write alot, mostly because I talk alot, or so I’ve been told. In any case I thought it time I posted concerning reactions, not from the people you tell about your Cancer, but from the people who are told they have Cancer.

My reaction to Cancer was fairly even, and some would go so far as to say it was relaxed. I had no issues with talking to people about my Cancer, and I didn’t feel isolated or alone from the world. Proudly I say that I handled it in stride. People like me are the easiest ones to deal with when they’re given the Cancer sentence. So we’ll just skip that reaction

Some people react as if the hangman’s noose has fallen, and let’s be honest in many cases it has. Equally so, in many cases it hasn’t and so that’s why you need to talk to people with this kind of reaction from a particular point of view. Look for answers, treatments, and understanding of their type of Cancer, and hopefully that knowledge may allow them to understand that while they may be under the hangman’s noose, there could be an indefinate stay of execution. Give them goals to learn more about the Cancer and in doing so they will remember to live. That’s my theory, just stay Positive, focused and driven. Of couse talk to a doctor if you need help dealing.

Another reaction is the one where the person who has Cancer decides to spare you the details of his situation, and by doing so thinks that he or she will save you. This one is hard, because while they think their sparing you, in reality there just making things much harder in the long run. My personal opinion on this is to let these people have some time to think about it, let them come to the Positive conclusion that they need to talk to you about the Cancer and let them do it at their own pace. If this doesn’t work, you can talk to them honestly and directly and hope that they respond well. Most people do, but every person has his own mindset. Maintain Positive thinking and try to help someone with this reaction the best you can.

The last reaction we’ll discuss is that of the Cancer victim who falls of the face of the planet, the one who becomes a complete loner. Give them time, their absense doesn’t reflect a lack of love for you, but rather an attempt by themselves to find some hope, or direction. You can call them and ask to help with mundane chores, or just ask if they need anything even if you know the answer will be no. Lending support without being there is a very Positive thing to do, and it’s very hard but rewarding. Hopefully the person will come back stronger and once again willing to resume a normal relationship. After all, that is what we hope for.

When Cancer hits one of the most important things you can do is deal with relationships in your life. I don’t mean go and find everyone you ever knew and make them your best friends or closest family member, I mean deal with the people that deal with you. Find the ones that care for you, and those that don’t can go to the wayside. I’ve said this in previous posts, but I have no time for people who don’t want to deal with my Cancer. I deal with my Cancer, my family deals with my Cancer, and my friends deal with my Cancer. It’s that simple, you’re in or your out. This post isn’t a rant on how friends can vanish when you’re sick though it nearly headed there, it’s about why talking to others will help you.

It’s not easy opening up to people, but by sharing emotions through words you can make yourself feel better, more in control, and more able to deal with adversity. It’s important to share emotions because it’s a doorway to your own feelings and can help you understand, and control them, rather than be overwhelmed by them. Also, by talking to others you can allay your own fears and relegate Cancer to the background by making yourself feel less alone, and more normal. Normal is great for someone in our situations, in fact it’s very Positive.

Talking to others will help you strengthen the bonds of family or friendship between you and by doing so will make you feel better about what will happen down the road. In my case I’m not concerned for my own life, but rather what those who are left behind will do with my absense. By talking to my family I feel better and more secure knowing that my kids will grow up provided for and loved. This in turn releases stress, makes me healthier, and gives me the all important Positive mind set. Strengthen the bonds, and that strength will in turn help you.

It’s very important for you to take time to talk to children, as it will in turn allow them to understand how to express themselves later in life, or during any difficult times that may arise. Children feel stress and sadness when someone they know has Cancer, so give them another weopon to deal with it, and do this by example. Talk to children, not necessarily about Cancer but instead about how to express themselves. This will make them feel better, and you will feel better also.

Talk to others to enjoy your life, talk to others to prolong your life, and talk to others just to hear your voice.

While this is the second part of my posts on Sadness and Depression I’d like to take a moment to give a shout out to a particular reader who has been here since the beginning. Raver Babe Ruth has been great to Positive Cancer, and I thought that I should return the favor by letting her know that she’s awesome also! Thank you Ruth for the support, and warm wishes for your family, especially your mother.

Strategies for beating sadness and depression are numerous and at times cumbersome. Besides the obvious medical solutions(i.e. pills) there are literally hundreds of different ways of dealing with depression. I’m not an expert, not even close, so as I always say, talk to your doctor about any situation you might have. I’m going to focus on a few different things I think will keep you Positive, and help to bring you out of any depressive funk you might be in.

Depression tends to hang in the dark areas of our lives, in the areas we don’t like to talk about, and honestly who wants to talk about Cancer and the negatives that come with it. So one of the more important things we can do is talk to family and friend about how we feel, concerning the Cancer, the effects it’s having on your life, and how it’s bringing you down. Bring the negatives to the surface and let the warm light of family and friends burn it away. It doesn’t matter if no one else in your family has had Cancer or depression. Just talking about it will help, and it will start you on the road to goal setting and recovery as opposed to resignation and submission. Start talking, that’s Positive Cancer.

It’s no cliche that you should talk to people who are Positive. Think how many people get therapeutic benefits from pets;pets aren’t by nature negative, and so it seems to reason that if you could find like minded people you would also benefit. Dogs and Cats are positive, and there are many many intelligent smart humans out there who have a Positive mind set, the kind of mind set that isn’t unrealistic but is uplifting. I don’t want my friends to lie to me, or to act happy when their not, but I do want friends who generally believe that life is worth living, and that being together is pretty good, regardless of time or circumstance. Postive friends, Positive family, now that’s Positive Cancer.

Faith isn’t for everyone, but for those of you who are religious, you have to look for the strength from your beliefs. The armor of faith is strong, and if you re-afirm yourself spiritual beliefs you can take depression on, and win. Whatever you believe, you can use that belief to feel better in the same way that if you believe you will fail, then indeed you will fail. Faith is Positive Cancer.

Finally, start blaming yourself for the way you feel, and do something about it. It’s easy for people in our situation to just sit there and wallow in self-pity. That’s okay for a time, but at some point you have to take charge of yourself, remember that others are depending on you the same way you depend on them, and actively try to get better. Go do things that make you happy, instead of having others tell you to do them. Visit friends and laugh, and let them laugh with you. Talk about someone else for a change, about how there life is, and remember what it was to live before the sadness and depression. Fighting for your happiness, for your joy is Positive Cancer.

I though I would take time to talk about depression, in the context of helping people learn when their either “depressed” or headed for depression. If depression is the bottom of the emotion slope, then Cancer most certainly is oil on the hill, intent on making you lose your place and head to the low point. Positive Cancer is about staying Positive, but in order to stay Positive you need to know some of the symptoms of being negative.

I remember the second time I found out I had Cancer; I was with my wife and the doctor told us my Cancer had turned metastatic. At that moment I suppose I was more stunned than sad, but certainly I was not happy. Even through the next couple of weeks I was worried for my future, but never once did I become depressed. That’s not to say I wasn’t down, but if there’s one thing I know, it’s the difference between healthy sadness and unhealthy and negative depression. How I stayed away from depression may not work for anyone else, and as I always say I’m completely in favour of whatever your doctor or medical professional has told you. With that in mind, my method was simple. I monitored myself, everyday in every way and when I started feeling down I told someone, usually my wife. Just by naming the problem it focused my mind on it, and internally it triggered my urge to “fight”. I started going back to the gym, another great way to fight depression, and slowly I regained my footing on the hill of emotion and returned to relative normalicy, or as I call it, Positive thinking.

Clinically speaking depression is a sad mood that is present most days, invades your life, and lasts for most of the day. Many depressed people have moments of happiness, but the majority of their time is in the shade of misery, and not the sun of happiness. It’s said that depression is depression if it lasts for more than two weeks, or if it affects your relationships but I believe that depression can happen very quickly and that’s why you have to be aware of it immediately and not wait two weeks to self-diagnose. It’s a simple Positive Cancer thing: you feel sad, it’s okay but if you feel sad for a long time talk to someone, and try to dig through the feelings. Asking for help is as simple as opening up a conversation with someone you trust, and believe me, it helps.

Some specific things that can signal depression include weight changes, sleep problems, losing interest in friends and family, and fatigue. Now of course there are many, many other symptoms related to emotions, such as feeling helpless or having low self-esteem but you have to remember that whatever the symptom you think are depression related, probably are depression related.
This means that whatever you think is wrong with you really will or can be wrong with you, ergo the idea of positive thinking and Positive Cancer.

However your depression comes, however it triggers within you, in truth it’s the battle to be happy with the knowledge that you might be dying, that you are dying, or that you could die that makes the difference. I live every day under the specter of death, but I’m okay with that, and I’m not willing to let it affect me any more than I have to. Neither should you let it affect you. In part 2 of this topic I’ll cover strategies for how to deal with sadness and depression. Until then stay Positive, stay Positive with Cancer.

Well it feels a little strange to be writing another post for Positive Cancer, as it’s been a few weeks(okay more than a few weeks) since I’ve updated the site. As often is the case, real life becomes the muse for my writings, and this post is on how life can through you curves and how you have to stay Positive to deal with it.

At the moment I have the unenviable situation of having a cold, which is no fun let me tell you. From my last post(excluding the post explaining that I would eventually repost) until now I have had one of my family cats pass away, and other various setbacks in an otherwise happy life. Staying positive isn’t something that comes natural to people, even me, and so I found myself reading my own posts(go figure) and managed to stay Positive through what I call the “downturn” of life.

Just a few weeks ago I had another CTScan, and as always the anxiety level from waiting for the results tends to build quickly and with great stress. Again through understanding that I was in a battle, and that this was a waiting war, I managed to stay Positive and not bite the head off of everyone around me, worrying about the results. The results were good, and here I am writing again.

Positive Cancer is very important to me as a medium to express how I feel about fighting cancer and how I feel about trying to help others to feel as good and healthy as is relatively possible. Any weapon in the fight against Cancer is valid, especially when the answers come from within. Stay positive, live positive, be positive with Cancer; it’s that simple.

Just a quick post to let everyone know I’m fine, and that I’m still thinking about the site. I’ve been very, very lazy as of late, especially when it pertains to writing, and so I haven’t done any of the topic writing I wanted to. Within the next few weeks I will again be able to focus my full attention on the site, so for those of you that come back, please keep coming back.

Stay Positive!!

Sometimes when we deal with Cancer, we being the person that has Cancer, we tend to forget that other people are deeply affected by our condition and by the way our lives change theirs. Caregivers, whether they are husbands or wives, kids or grandparents, friends or relatives, have an incredible burden placed upon them; one which I feel doesn’t get enough attention. If whoever is taking care of you is feeling negative, or stressed, it’s bound to come down on you and make it harder for you to live a positive life style.

Loved ones need to understand that their role is important both for your sake, and for their own wellbeing. It hard to watch the one you love deteriorate or become unable to do the things they used to do, and it’s equally hard to give up so much of yourself having to provide both mentally and physically for them. Love is powerful, but we are only human, and we feel anxiety and stress, not to mention pressure. I feel that part of the burden of Cancer is making sure that your loved one’s, your caregivers don’t feel isolated and lonely but instead feel welcome and supported.

You need to take the time to explain how much the support of your Caregiver has helped you, and by all means thank them over and over again. Let them know that they have done for you what no one else could, and that you understand how hard it is on them. If your situation is bad enough that your Caregiver is constantly working with you, whether it’s to feed you, or to take care of the kids, or to get you medications, or simply to be with you day in and day out, you need to let him or her have time for themselves. Even saying something as simple as “Listen, I love that you’re always here for me, but I want you to go out to a movie, or have a coffee with somebody. Just go and do something else for a while.” Invariably most Caregivers will respond by saying that they would rather just continue to be with you, but you need to convince them that they need to take care of their mental wellbeing, and will in fact come back more refreshed and more capable of dealing with everything that comes with Cancer.

There is sadness and loneliness, and Cancer can make that isolation feel so acute it seems like there will never be a relationship that solidifies for you, but in truth it’s just your mind playing tricks on you. Open yourself to those around you, take care of each other and together plan the positive goals that will defeat Cancer.

Cancer brings many different physical and psychological challenges including a feeling of isolation from both others and your previous life. Whether your actions or the actions of your friends has caused this situation it should be said that you are not alone, and that there are others who have gone or will go through the same feeling of being alone. By virtue of our Cancer, we are not alone. You are not alone.

Sometimes your isolation comes due to a friend’s inability to understand your situation and I tend to go against common thinking that it may be your friend’s who are having a hard time dealing with your Cancer. I have said it many times, never forget that you are dealing with Cancer, and you’re friends, you’re true friends will be there for you. The others, the one’s that “couldn’t cope” are just a negative influence on you and you shouldn’t spend anytime thinking about them. This situation of losing friends whether real or perceived still leaves a void in your life, one which can cause you to feel even more isolated from others.

There are times when you ill, genuinely sick and unable to interact with others and this too can cause loneliness and isolation. It is hard not to think about your friends, or loved one’s having fun while you are vomiting into the toilet for the eighth time in an hour, and it’s equally hard not to feel like nobody understands what you are going through. Again by virtue of Cancer, there are thousands of people who understand what is happening, and each one of them has had the same feelings at some point in their life.

If you feel alone, isolated from friends and family, you have to understand that the next best people to talk with are people who have gone through what you are dealing with. Positive Cancer allows me to talk to so many others who are dealing with Cancer, and through that it allows me to feel connected and in touch with people who stand united in the basic goal of fighting Cancer. It’s a powerful connection, one which should be used to banish your loneliness and instead light the fires of companionship, and camaraderie. Cancer takes so much from our lives; in our struggle it gives us each other.

In Part two I will talk about how loneliness affects those we love, and how isolated they feel having to take on the caregiver roll.

Telling family about having Cancer is hard but for most people family bonds are strong enough to survive. Friends, on the other hand, are a diverse group of people whose responses can leave you stunned, amazed, or somewhere in-between the two.

Telling close friends is similar to telling family except that your relationship to your friends run under a different parameters, and sometimes just by mentioning Cancer you can change the friendship. I want you to be ready for this. Most people have heard that friends are near during the good times, but only a few “good” friends stick around for the bad. This is unfortunately true, and I have experienced it both the first time I was diagnosed with Cancer, and the second time it returned.

You have to mentally prepare yourself for many different things, things which can make negative feelings and thoughts commonplace within your brain and body. You need to realize that those friends who can’t “handle” the situation should not be a part of your life, as you need to focus on your battle with Cancer, and focus your attention and love on those who would help, care, and love you back. Once you understand how things could go its time to tell them.

Again a quiet time is good, perhaps out for a coffee or just relaxing at your house. I prefer to have a friend who already knows be with me when I tell another friend; I feel that if I bring family it might make them feel uncomfortable. Once you tell them, listen to their reaction, but don’t take it to heart, whether its stunned sadness or unreadable silence. Give them some time, and see whether they still come by the house, whether the conversations, though different, still flow between the two of you. I can tell you that everyone I ever told about my Cancer was stunned, saddened and all promised to help anyway they could. I can also tell you that over half of those friends haven’t called back since, amazing as that is.

I suppose telling your friends is the easy part, dealing with the loss of your friends is harder, but that’s for a different post. Positive Cancer is how I live, and I don’t have the urge to exert the effort to bring back old friends who “talked the talk” but did not “walk the walk.” I hope that you realize this, and stay positive; keep your mind on family and friends that matter, and let their positive energy help you any way it can.